Creationists, Like The Republican Party's New V.P. pick, are douche nozzles

Today I would like to talk about why Creationists are nozzles. The easy answer would be to point out that they are fundamentalists, and all fundamentalists are douche nozzles. I would however like to expound upon my opinionations on this subject. Here goes:

I have no problems with the Bible. I consider myself to be a faithful person. I do not, however believe that every word in the Bible is a literal representation of the events that took place through the period of history that the Bible covers. This is where I part company with the Creationists. They believe that God actually spoke, and creation occurred. OK, let's think about this for a second. When God speaks, what sort of language does he use? How big is His mouth? These are valid questions if you assume the verses in Genesis that outline the creation are actually true. It's either all literal or it's not. You can't simply draw the line where it pleases you to do so, that's called interpretation and it leads to error and perdition!

There are huge amounts of scientific data that point toward the Earth being much older than 4,000 years. One would have to take the stance that God created the Earth with many of the processes that we know to take thousands, hundreds of thousands, or millions of years already in progress. Canyons already partially formed. Mountains already windblown. Declining species already in a state of decline and rising ones already on the way up. More to the point, you would have to assume that every scientific fact that counts towards the nullification of the literal interpretation of the creation story would have to have been accounted for in the act of creation. So what, right? God is all powerful, he could surely do that if He chose to. If you admit that to be the case you have just stated that evolution was a process created by God himself. You are now in contradiction. 

Evolution itself is a fact.  You could save face by admitting that God created the world and evolution is a natural process that resulted from that creation.  Then you could teach creationism AND evolution in your privately funded Church/Home schools.  That way if your beloved spawn make it to college, they won't be mistaken for trailor trash because they weren't properly educated.

The other reason I find this extremly implausible is that it's not consistent with other things in the Bible itself. If God created Adam and Eve and they were the first humans to grace the Earth, where did all the other people come from? Did Cain take turns impregnating his sisters or Adam his daughters? Gross right?!? There were other civilizations in the Bible that existed concurrently with those of the direct descendants of Adam and Eve. Not too mention the fact that Europe, Asia, Africa Australia, North and South America were also populated by humans. There simply wasn't the time or the technology in place to allow mankind to spread from a single point to other, remote continents given the timetable they propose.

As a creationist, you are saying that facts mean nothing to you. The world is on a set of train tracks laid by God that nothing can alter. The future is fixed. So much for free will. This is Douche Nozzlery at its finest!